What makes your BFF, BFF?
It was just a regular Thursday when I plucked up my courage again to attend another meeting of Toastmasters Club — an English public speaking club where you are often required to give an impromptu speech about a certain topic. I have lost count on how many times I have attended this meeting and learn how to speak better. Frankly, talking has never been really hard for me. I absolutely do a lot of talking in my job, have a lot of conversation with my friends, or even teach in front of a class. But giving an impromptu speech in front of many people, and in English? I kid you not. My hands get cold and my heart still skips many beats whenever I do it.
The topic that day was friendship. As usual, we were asked one question or given a statement related to the topic which we have to explain for about two minutes. So there I was, taking my turn, walking to the front of the room, and being asked: what makes your BFF, BFF?
I tried to buy time to think, concisely pondering about what kind of statement I should make. Within 5 seconds, I forced myself to recall who are my best-friends-forever (BFFs)? Do I really have BFFs? Even when I think I do, do they see me as their BFF as well? The more I took my time, the more I did not know what I should say. I started to ramble about anything that crossed my mind. Two minutes passed, and regretfully, I did not feel what I have said represents my true feeling enough.
I have never thought of that question before nor I thought it would be necessary to contemplate on. Nevertheless, for days and weeks the question lingered on my mind. Every time I had a talk with my closest friend, my mind would seem to contemplate further: How did I end up being her friend and vice versa? How could she trust me with her stories? Why can’t I comfortably have a conversation like this with everyone I know? It took me weeks to think deeply about what friends and friendships mean to me, until I got a clearer view on this matter.
Befriending does not always mean being in a true friendship
I used to think that everybody who crosses paths with us can automatically be called a friend, thus, we can always easily label that relationship as a friendship. As I grow older, I no longer buy this notion. Even though we meet many people everyday be it co-workers, strangers we talked to on the train, or even the friends of our friends; we cannot always form a friendship with them. We might say those people are our friends, but to take it into another level and form a more meaningful relationship? We probably have to think twice.
Brent et al. on The Neuroethology of Friendship (2014) explained that people may have an explicit sense of what it means to call someone a friend, but definitions of friendship are often vague and qualitative. Most dictionaries define friendship as the state of being friend, while in a deeper meaning, Dr. Suzanne Degges-White elucidates friendship as relationships that involve two critical dimensions — interdependence and voluntary participation. She mentioned that it requires reciprocity — of admiration, respect, trust, and emotional and instrumental support.
By now, we should have realized that this is how it works in our society. Friendship covers a broad category that includes relationships at various levels of closeness. We can casually say that a certain someone is our close friend, good friend, casual friend, or even bosom friend. However, to scale up the intimacy and generate a deeper level of friendship is not something that happens overnight.
The ‘best’ friends are the ones who bring out the best of ourselves
We probably think that the only one who is in charge of determining who we are and who we want to be is ourselves. Friends, relatives, and acquaintances are there to fill our ‘social’ needs.
Whether we realize it or not, our friends actually can have a consequential influence on our behavior and eventually our life.
Jim Rohn, renowned businessman and personal development guru, said we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. Our circle reflects who we are. Hence, we need to be more mindful in choosing friends.
The act of ‘choosing friends’ somehow can get us labeled as a picky person, makes us seen as an ‘unsociable’ one. In fact, choosing friends is one of our most vital decision in life. As we let them slip into our world, we ultimately let them know part of us that we do not want anyone else to see. In some way, we also give our trust and make them as the ones we seek for advice and in making decisions. These friends are the ones who may change the way we think and behave. This is surely a big deal.
Regardless of the number of friends we have, have we ever asked ourselves: what kind of impact they have on us? And as a friend to other people, have we ever asked ourselves the same thing? It is essential to keep the friends who bring out our best selves. Be with the people who not only accept us for who we are, but also allow us to grow and develop into a better person. Do not let go of friends who make us love ourselves more. Also, do not forget to be that kind of friend to other people.
There is no such thing as a perfect friend
Nobody is perfect. We have heard this so much that it sounds like a broken record, but this is the bitter truth. No matter how good we are, perfection does not exist. The same thing goes for friendship: we are not perfect, and our friends are not either.
Being in a good friendship does not indicate that we never have any kinds of friction with our friends. There are possibly times when we feel like our friends have done something unpleasant. On the flip side, we are probably the one who did unpleasant things to them. We might also have disagreement with our friends. However, friends do not always have to agree to each other’s opinions.
Just like any other relationship, it takes courage to work on the incompatibilities so that it can be cut down.
Diversity is not something faulty, after all. As long as the differences do not cause a major obstacle and both sides are willing to work on it, it should not be a big problem.
People often confuse perfection with similarities, thinking that if someone thinks and behaves like them, then that someone will be a perfect match as a friend. Even though friends are often characterized by homophily — the tendency to share similar characteristics, including age, and social status — having some differences does not always mean that we are not a good match with them. It is crucial to note that a perfect match is not the same as a perfect friend. Instead of striving to find the perfect one, be that kind of good, valuable friend first.
Friendships might change, but it is perfectly fine
Do you have those friends that you used to spend time with years ago, but now it feels weird even just to say ‘Hi’ on Instagram? Have you ever found your old friend has changed from the one you knew back then? Presumably, these things will happen in our life, and it is completely normal.
People changing is just a part of life. When one changes, his relationship with other people might adjust as well.
I have one close friend that I used to spend time with when we were in high school. We would discuss many things, talked about our dreams, had lunch and learned together. As time went by, things changed. She and I no longer talks about many things; she is on her path right now and so am I. When we met up not so long ago, I could feel a void that we could not fill. There are millions of moments that we had been through without each other. I could see the difference between us in the past and now, but it is not a big problem indeed. We’re still good friends, only in a different way.
In another story, I also have this one friend who is like a sister to me. We started our friendship when we were in college. We shared each other’s stories, thoughts, and private life. We understood each other’s point of view on many things and got each other’s back. However, she is living her life in another city, and I am living mine here. We barely communicate, but when we do, we still do it just exactly like the old days. She and I would talk for hours to make up for lost time. I recognize that she has changed in some ways, but our friendship stays the same.
Not until I contemplate how different these two circumstances are did I realize that friends and friendships come in various ways. Our friends and friendships — as well as ourselves — could possibly transform, but it is not something that we have to regret or feel bad of.
The value of friends and friendships is often underestimated. Some people take it just as something that eventually will happen in life. Well, yes, it probably will. Nevertheless, sometimes it requires more effort and willingness to make a friend, to maintain a friendship, and to have BFFs. Having good quality friendships is important, but we need to note that it is not mandatory.
Remember that some people do not value friendship as much as the others.
But if we happen to have certain people in life that can make us grow into a better person, can be trusted in many ways, and value us in a good way, then we should keep them. Nurture that friendships and put effort to make it bloom beautifully, especially in a time like this.
After a quite long contemplation about friends and friendships, I found myself thinking about the answer that I should have said back then when I was given the question. My answer should have been: I was not really aware about the reason that underlies the relationships between me and my BFFs. We somehow formed this meaningful friendships unconsciously. We did not realize we are best friends until we know we are. I just know that I have certain people in life, not bound by blood, but we can easily be birds of a feather that flocks together.
Originally published on Media Defis XXVI-Tahun 2020.
