Learning, Growing, and Becoming
— a personal 2019 recap.
Our meeting has not been started yet. We (I and one of my business partner) need to wait for the other three persons to get started. So there we are, talking about anything while waiting. We have been friends for years, so we are used to talking about many things. He knows about what I am facing right now: about the crossroads I need to choose. One hard nut to crack.
“You know, the more I think about which path I should take, the more I get confused. Now I do really think that I need more time,” I said, looking outside the window.
“Geez! What are you waiting for? Just don’t waste your time. You are a woman and 23 y.o. already, Dit. Is that even necessary?” he asked, then sipping his lemon tea while I was, kind of, stupefied with his words.
Frankly, I’m feeling like I am less my self for the last few years, and many things still don’t feel right. I need to figure out whether I really want this or not… I’d better keep this part for myself.
“Take this chance while it lasts, Dit. You might regret it later if you let it pass.”
“I know,” I sigh. It is just pointless. This thought keeps spinning in my head like a hamster running on its wheel. This is a question I need to answer myself. I don’t know what to say anymore — I don’t feel like I want to say anything anymore. I have no choice but cut the conversation off.
One year has passed and I can’t believe I still remember the conversation clearly. I am in the end of another year right now — 2019, and seeing questions or social media posts like ‘how is your 2019 going?’ ‘what is your 2019 recap?’ and so on recalls that conversation back in my head. One conversation that underlies my 2019 major agenda. So, for the sake of self-reflection and self-appreciation, I try to answer this question.
How did my 2019 go?
In a nutshell, I would say: it went great. Well, exclude some of the tiring and burdensome variables, my 2019 was absolutely awesome.
I learned a lot. By lot, I mean, exceptionally lots of learning — not to mention the learning process about my-very-own-self. I am proud that I did my best to do this self-love thingy which I have been thinking for a few years. At first, this knowing-my-self stuff was an abstract, inconceivable concept to me. Why do many people earnestly talk about this? I mean, how could for tens of years of our lives, we — or probably most of us ever feel like— do not know about ourselves? How could we do not really know what we want, what we like, and what we desire? Well, newsflash, it happened. We may have thought that we know and accept ourselves, yet sometimes, we still feel empty and insufficient inside. We do not really feel like we like this version of ourselves.
Been there, done that.
Right in this year, I more profoundly learned about how to face my fears. I eventually plucked up my courage to come to the club which I had been stalking for months but I was too afraid to join. I took the teaching opportunity I had been avoiding in the preceding year. I braved myself to invest in something I had never thought I will — trying a new business.
Not until then did I fathom that fear is not something we need to fight or deny, it is something we need to feel and face.
Thus, I welcomed every fears I have so that I could overcome it.
Moreover, I pushed myself to grow, bloom, and fill my mind with positivity. I opened myself to every encouraging, worthwhile new things. I read other genres of literacy to find out if I like it. I joined some voluntary activities for the sake of self-fulfilling and meaningful experience. I delved deeper into subjects I desire, endeavoring to improve my skills in every possible ways. I took various English classes in the whole year. I listened to more and more podcasts. I surrounded myself with passionate and compassionate people. I hung out with many friends and old friends, either for discussing mind-opening ideas or sharing about how our lives have been so far.
Putting myself first, I gave my best effort to take care and to know more and most about myself. I took a yoga class and joined a workout community (yes, the first wealth is health. I am still struggling to do it regularly, though. It’s okay). I started to drink more water. I took public transportation more and strolled around the city alone several times to enjoy my time. I explored further to know what I like and what I don’t. I struggled to carefully distinguish between what I want and what I don’t really want. I taught my own self when to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’. I learned to identify both my strengths and weaknesses for I need to improve it. I did nearly everything to be more aware towards myself, to relish my being.
Surely my 2019 was not all about rainbows and unicorns. There were times when I felt tired of taking those every possibilities. I did feel exhausted over the coming-home-late moments. I sometimes feel fed up of swallowing all the trial and error processes. There are still some resolutions that I failed to achieve. Nonetheless, never have I thought of quitting. This whole process of learning and being able to grow is everything I am grateful for.
So if anybody asks: what is this year for me?
Here is my answer:
This is the year where I gain myself again.
This is the year where I find and reform myself, the year where I learn, grow, strive to become better, and enjoy being myself. In no way have I ever regret about making this decision: to take time, to dive inside myself. As much as I can say, this is one of the best decision I have ever made in life. In the end, I realize that this process of learning, growing, and becoming is an endless process everybody should consider.
To close this year, let us hug and thank ourselves for standing strong and refusing to surrender. Let us cut some slack and be kinder to ourselves, yet still put our best work to learn, grow, and become; for we know that the best investment we can make is the one in ourselves. We are worthy. We are enough.
Cheers to 2019.
Let’s see what 2020 got for us.
